old el paso, symmetry

back at home!  so exhausted and sore today; i've slept basically all day.  not sure why as I was feeling decent last night.  i did just force myself to go to target as i desperately needed some mouthwash, along with bendy straws (my new eating utensils) and kleenex (nose still running and still drooling).  a little apprehensive about starting work again monday because i tire so easily, but i think i can do it and will try to take it easy.

i instragram-ed the crap out of all the photos on my phone when i was bored flying home, lol.  here i am looking a lot more normal than previously seen since surgery. taken on thursday at my last surgeon's appointment, post-op day 13.  it's pretty incredible how quickly the body heals itself.  my stitches are starting to disintegrate now.

my surgeon told me that he, his colleagues, residents, and students present their upcoming surgical cases during a weekly meeting, and everyone was all, yikes, that case is going to be extremely difficult (due to the side to side asymmetry correction instead of the normal under/overbite moving forward and back of the jaws).  glad he had the discretion not to tell me that before surgery.  he was visibly genuinely delighted with the results during my last appointment.  that made me feel pretty good!

i have to keep reminding myself that they weren't meant to fix the soft tissue, just the bite.  even though i don't see much difference from the outside, the correction made should be great in the long run for my teeth and jaw joint pain, and that was the purpose.  you can see that my lips (i.e. soft tissue) are still crooked resembling the slant of my (old) jaw.  can't do much about that, unless i want to go plastic surgery insane.

no one's face is perfectly symmetrical, of course i know that, and people often haven't noticed my crooked-ness.  i've even perused some scholarly articles during my recovery that suggest facial assymetry creates the perception of likeability and also that the generally held idea that more symmetry equals more beauty is not always true.  when i analyze my thoughts, it's interesting to me that although the surgery was not primarily for cosmetic reasons, i pinned hopes of cosmetic improvement on it.  i feel a little disappointed that while there is improvement, it is not shocking.  however, i probably would be even more psychologically upset by a drastic change anyway. :)  

i returned home with my "maxillomandibullar fixation" (screws in gums to hold my rubber bands).  do NOT google image that term or you will be sorry, trust me on that one.  i'll have to get them removed in like three weeks or so.  removal freaks me out cause they are pretty chunky (like it seems i'll have gaping holes in my gums afterwards, what happens with that??)

below you will find my awesomely orange and liquid last meal before i left for the airport.  thai iced tea and panang curry sauce.  that's right folks, just the sauce.  and it was GOOOOOOOD.

presented without comment

the pendulum swings

and now i am happy and confident again.  my appointment with my surgeon was useful in that i saw my xray and things do look decent.  of course i still have quite a bit of swelling particularly on my "lower jaw" side and i need to be more patient in seeing the final results.

the surgeon pointed out that my upper lip is pulling upward on the opposite side, i guess due to muscle reaction to the surgery.  my teeth are also little uneven themselves and when i see them in their new place, accompanied by my crooked sneer, i'm perceiving the jaws' line-up to be off when it's actually pretty good. i think also, having stared at my own face for 30 years and registering the status quo as correct, now when things are adjusted to be actually straight, i see them as crooked.

i learned i have to do little manipulations of my sneer lip to try to help pull it down and relax the muscle over the next few months. and...the sort of bad news.... i have to keep my terminator screw/nails in my gums when i go back to el paso.  not only that, but i have to wear the dumb rubberbands on said screws, circa seventh grade.

this is good though because it will continue to improve my bite (easing that tension/clenching on the one side i was freaking out about) and guide my jaw into its proper position while the bone cuts are regrafting themselves or whatever.

still this is also bad, because the rubberbands are TIGHT, like, teeth are clenched together tight, and i can only muster a tiny little gap between them through which i slurp things and shove pills.  the bands make me talk funny and i am limited to eating things that are super liquidized.  they want me to keep them on all the time.  i realized though to brush 2/3 of the planes of my teeth i have to take them off, so i have to clarify this at my final appointment on thursday.

yesterday i was looking for dinner at some different restaurants and i was asking them 1) do you have soup? and 2) are there pieces of stuff in the soup? crazy-lady times. it's hard to find soup without pieces besides tomato.  i settled for egg drop last night.  even still the little egg floaty bits were getting beached on my teeth and then i would have to spit them out.  fyi, i was dismayed to discover campbell's cheddar cheese soup was pretty gross. maybe that's why it's usually only used for baking.

on another topic - i think insurance may be coming through for me.  hallelu!

doubt

today, i'm feeling doubtful.  my swelling is going down, and i'm starting to be able to open my lips and look at my teeth, and see the shape of my jaw.  i'm sort of disappointed that my bite doesn't look totally straight and my jawline doesn't look much different.  

why did i get everything cut and put back together to be almost the same?  i do know of course, only time will tell if my primary reason for surgery, pain and pressure, has been alleviated.  tomorrow i have another appointment at the surgeon and hopefully he will give me some news to be more optimistic about. :)

today i also discovered campbell's makes cheddar cheese AND nacho cheese soup varieties.  who's pleased? this girl.

one week

one week since i had my surgery, one week until i go home.  look - i can sort of smile!!!

i am wearing new pajamas that i got in a surprise pajamagram from my brother jontan and his girlfriend heidi. thank you guys!

i had a follow-up appt with my surgeon yesterday.  my eardrum pain is connected to my jaw joint pain.  can't blame the poor little joint for being upset.  i have to continue to have my teeth banded shut on the robo-hooks in my gums to help suggest the right bite to my confused jaw.  i'll go back again on monday for another follow-up.

i have upgraded from eating through a big syringe to slurping blended soup through the little space i can make between my front teeth with the bands on.  i'm not super hungry but i'm injesting a decent amount of calories. after one week, not miserable on the diet front, except my brain always forgets i can't eat whenever i see food on tv or in person. i'm like NOM NOM NOM and then i remember it's physically impossible for me to eat and then i'm like, DOH.  this happens many times a day. :)

up!

now that i am parked on kate's couch, i'm starting to feel better. not miraculously, that is for sure. i'm still pretty uncomfortable due to the swelling and my inability to open my mouth.  if i miss taking my pain meds i'm in serious pain at the bone cut sites.  

but i'm in good spirits now and have more energy. today i went on a walk with my boyfriend willy (he lives in arlington) and it was really nice weather.  i feel happy again! 

 my mom has gone back to michigan. sucks she only got me for the miserable portion.  but that was the really crucial time and i hope she knows how much her care meant to me even if i was at all times either grumpy, making weird noises, or passed out.

my low point

monday morning (10/31) was probably the worst pain/discomfort i will endure in the recovery.  luckily i made this little video report to capture the moment.  i was waiting outside because the cold felt good on my face.

i seem more upbeat in the video than i actually felt.  i was having that depression, alone feeling, why me, no one understands, is it ever going to end, that desperation most people seem to get when recovering from surgery or illness.  

when i went into the doctor's clinic, i almost had a nervous breakdown when they were making me fill out intake paperwork with questions i have already answered many times.  at this point i was muttering stuff like, "am i experiencing pain???  what do you think, you just cut my face up, you idiot clinic" etc.  also, i was getting a lot of side glances and wide eyes from passersby and some questions - "what happened to her?" a lady asked my mom with trepidation.  

happily, the doctor did remove my head bandage, while warning me that my swelling was going to balloon as a result.  and he was correct.

the head bandage actually has left me with continuous pain in my left eardrum which i am (and the doctor seemed) a bit concerned about.  you can see my lips are really a mess.  i've been slathering them with bacitracin as per doc's orders.  i guess they are so hurt not only because of the post-surgery general swelling, but because during the operation they were stretched so much for so long.  yucky! the surgery was all conducted from the inside of my mouth.  the one side of my face is more swollen than the other because they did extra work (lower jaw bone shaving) on the extra swollen side.

after my doctor appointment we waited for a new prescription for pain meds (the first was liquid - i've had a hatred of liquid medicine since childhood).  i sat on display for the public to examine for a while longer.  in this picture with my mom i seriously tried to smile, but obviously that was a fail.  i feel like i look a little like the cat lady plastic surgery victim. 

then we made the one hour drive from b-more to a-town, my old stomping grounds.  i slightly enjoyed some fall color on the parkway. i won't get that back in el paso.